Psalm 73:26 says, My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.
Has anyone ever felt like their heartache would last a lifetime? Where you just can't see yourself on the other side of the pain and the hurt? RAISING HAND. Hello. Broken, party of one.
I write a lot about Let Go and Let God, there being a Light At The End of the Tunnel, and lastly about Being Still, but we all know at the end of the day, it's down right hard to just stop hurting. To stop letting your mind race and wander, where you can let go, to where you can be still and see that light at the end of the tunnel. Isaiah 58:9a says, "Then shalt thou call, and the LORD shall answer; thou shalt cry, and he shall say, Here I am..."
The chorus of the song I linked above says:
When you feel like you're alone in your sadness
It seems like no one else in this whole world cares
And you want to get away from the madness
You just call My name and I'll be there
You just call My name and I'll be there.
Sometimes, I find myself praying for the very same thing that I am asking God to deliver me from. I don't mean to harp on my divorce but yesterday and today, I had/have to see my husband. He now lives in another state and the first time he left a few weeks ago to move there, I knew that I had to finally sit myself down and tell myself that all of the stupid holding on and wishing and hoping was just the desparate actions of a weak hearted and weak minded person. I've known since he left that he would be in town this week and I've dreaded it. I know that when he leaves today, he will truly be gone forever. The hopes and dreams of the last 4.5 years. Gone.
My heart has been so confused. It wants him to hold me and reassure me and tell me that this has all been some kind of nightmare. I pray for it. I pray that God will bring him back. That God will show him. But in the same breath, I am praying that God will unbreak my heart. That he will deliver me from the pain, hurt, anger, resentment and borderline hatred for man and in my case, the other woman. I struggle with saying "Lord I know that if it is your will you will show me your way." But what happens if God says "okay, I'm bringing your husband back." Can I really be with a man that told me "I never loved you" or that emotionally had an affair with another woman for an entire month before he actually left our home in hopes of living a new life with her? I wrote a few weeks ago about how I Want A Heart That Forgives, I want an unconfused heart. I want to let go. I want to forgive. I want to not hurt. I want to not weep for things of the past. I want to not feel broken into a thousand pieces.
I am a work in progress. We all struggle. We all stand in awe when we see someone with the light of Jesus in them when we just aren't quite feeling together. I have to give myself pep talks sometimes every moment of every day. Next time you are feeling down, tell yourself this. God would not suffer his people to be tempted, if his grace were not sufficient, not only to save them from harm, but to make them gainers by it. This temptation, the working of envy and discontent, is very painful. But my God reigns. He is an awesome God. I might have to say this to myself 10 times a day to remember that this won't go on forever.
I'm going to stray away from my beloved King James Bible and share a few passages from the New International Version of the Bible. 2 Corinthians 4:7-12: 7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. 12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18: 16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
I found this paragraph below written in a few places on the internet. I have no actual idea whose original words they are so I will not credit anyone with them. But know that they aren't mine (just in case).
Let God's truth refocus your eyes today on the treasure that dwells within you. This treasure can fill the emptiest of vessels; after all, a jar is designed to hold something. That treasure is God himself, living within us, bringing his abundant life. In our own humanity we have no sense of wealth or worth, no value in this jar of clay. We are simply an empty jar. But when this humanity is filled with diety, we receive what we were created to hold, the very life of God. He is our treasure.
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We are ALL works in progress, even those who seem to be sailing through life Works in progress. Being refined. Pressurized and purified to become the people that our Spirits were intended to be.
ReplyDeleteNow, sometimes I would like the refiners fire to be taken down a notch or two, but remembering that it will make me the person God knows I can be is what gets me through.